What is PACE?
PACE was developed by Dan Hughes and is linked with the family model of therapy and also has references and links with the attachment model (how we connect with one another and form relationships). PACE looks at supporting adults to build safe, trusting and meaningful relationships with their children and young people. The principles offer a useful framework from which we can develop attunement and strengthen our relationships with the children and young people we work with.
PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy.
Playfulness
This is about creating a fun, light and playful atmosphere when communicating with the child. It means using a light tone of voice, like you might do when story-telling, rather than an irritated or lecturing tone. It is about having fun and expressing a sense of joy.
Relating with a playful attitude keeps the interaction light and upbeat. It can help diffuse a difficult or tense situation. Children are less likely to respond with anger and defensiveness when the adult has a touch of playfulness in their communication. Being playful could mean having fun with shared games or a shared activity that involves you both. Having a playful stance isn’t about being funny all the time or making jokes when a child is sad. It’s about helping children be more open to and experience positive connections. While such a response may not be appropriate at the time of risky or distressed behaviours, when applied to low level behaviours, playfulness can help keep it all in perspective.
Acceptance
This is about accepting that whatever the child (or you) are feeling right now is ok. You are accepting their thoughts, feelings and perceptions without judgement. You may not agree with their interpretation, but you accept their feelings about it. It is their experience and this is important. Don’t minimise or invalidate it. Show them it’s ok to feel the way they do – actively communicate to the child that you accept their feelings and thoughts underneath the observable behaviour.
For example, a child may tell you “I know you hate me”. It is tempting to respond with “that’s not true” or “don’t say that” but this may leave the child feeling that you really don’t understand what it’s like for them. Instead, through using PACE we could respond with “I’m sorry you think I hate you, that must feel awful, no wonder you’re angry with me” or “I didn’t realise that you feel like that, I’m sorry it feels that way to you”.
Acceptance does not mean you have to accept the behaviour if this is harmful to themselves or to another person. You can limit the behaviour while at the same time understanding and accepting the motives for the behaviour.
Curiosity
This is about approaching children with an air of curiosity. Seek to understand what it is that drives them. What is important in their life? How can you get to the core of who they are and bring out the best in them? Curiosity means you don’t judge them so quickly. You can ask more questions of them, as you are curious to know more about them.
Curiosity involves a quiet, accepting tone: “What do you think that was about?” or “I wonder what...?” You say this without anticipating an answer or response from a child. This is different from asking the child, “Why did you do that?” with the expectation of a reply. Children often know that their behaviour was not appropriate. They often do not know why they did it or are reluctant to tell adults why.
Empathy
Empathy is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes and allowing yourself to feel what they must be feeling. It gives us a sense of compassion for the child and their feelings. This is essential in helping a child feel understood. When someone really understands you, it can make a big difference to how you cope. Being empathic is not about reassuring the child (which tries to make the problem go away) but about being with them in the moment, carrying and containing their big emotions. This lays the foundation for connection. With empathy, when a child is sad or in distress we are feeling the sadness and distress with them and letting them know that. We demonstrate that we know how difficult an experience is for them. We are telling them that they will not have to deal with the distress alone. Together we will get through this. The adult will stay with the child emotionally, providing comfort and support, and will not abandon them when they need the adult the most.
References
Fife Government Education. PACE. Improving Life Changes for All.
www.fife.gov.uk/educationalpsychology.
Images taken from Google.